I haven’t blogged in quite sometime. I wrote a few little things here and there, but nothing really from the heart. To be honest, I was happy to walk away from it. To pretend this blog didn’t exist, pretend I didn’t write a bunch of stuff that (sometimes) I regret posting.
And you know what? I didn’t miss it.
Life got quiet (well, besides the 4 screaming children…help!).
But there is one thing that has been on my mind for the last few months. And it’s that one thing that has tempted me to sit and write and post and comment. But I chose to stay away.
But tonight I just couldn’t. I wanted to write. I needed to write.
Because I know you are out there. I know you are lonely. I know you are sitting in front of your computer googling “doctor’s wife blog” or “lonely resident spouse” or “I don’t want to move” searching for anyone who can tell you “I know, “I’ve been there too,” and “it’s going to be alright”.
I’m writing this to you…wife of a med student, resident, or fellow. Wife who is embarking on a new year of training. Wife who has moved across the country to support her husband. Wife who gave up her career or put her dreams on hold…
I see you. And I know.
For so many years I hated the months of June and July. Like, a lot. When everyone else was celebrating summer, I was preparing for yet another year of residency or fellowship. I avoided Facebook because it stirred up so many ugly emotions (and apparently I can’t control those too well).
I couldn’t handle seeing another friend post about how excited she was to be finished with residency and moving on to a real job. It made me want to vomit when friends who started med school after us were finishing before us. What the??! I couldn’t be happy for them. I just couldn’t. I tried but the bitterness had taken root.
And now, this year, that person was me. But even though we were finished and a huge weight was lifted (I’m totally serious…I felt lighter…I thought that maybe I lost 20lbs over night, but sadly I didn’t), I still was well aware of what July 1st meant.
I thought of the new intern spouses heading blindly into this thing called residency. I thought of the resident spouses, who even though they knew the routine of this medical madness, it doesn’t make it any less easier. And I thought of the fellow’s wives who have to endure a few more years and some who had to pack up and move (some of you for just one year!).
Sometimes I would rather turn away and leave those years behind me. Move on with the busyness of raising a family and focus on the many aspects of life we couldn’t during those years of training. But I promised myself I wouldn’t do that.
I vowed to never forget how it feels to be treading water for so long, barely surviving. Trying so hard to be supportive of your husband but battling the frustration and resentment that sometimes surface. And, oh, the loneliness…not just the loneliness that comes from moving, the loneliness where you feel like no one else quite understands.
I won’t forget because if I do, then what in the world did I go through all those crappy years for? Well, yes, my husband became a real doctor and blah blah blah, but really there has to more than that. There has to be a reason. And if nothing else, that reason is so I can tell you…
You are not alone, I know what you’re going through, and though it seems impossible at times, you will make it through… and be better for it.
Hang in there sweet girl. You are so much stronger than you think.
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P.S. I’m not sure if I’ll post again soon after this. I kinda liked not living online. And I don’t want to feel like I have to follow any blogging “shoulds” or “supposed-to’s” by posting regularly. I want to post when I have something to say. Something that’s on my heart and needs to come out. Or unless there is something totally hilarious or useless that I feel must be shared. Until then my friends….