My Beef with Moms in Bikinis

It’s pool season, people.

Whether I like it or not, the bathing suits are making their annual appearance. And as we get ready for swim season, can I just say one thing?

Moms, please stop wearing your bikinis. Okay? Just stop.

It will make me feel sooo much better. And it’s all about me isn’t it?

Yep. <– I just answered that for you. You’re welcome.


I’m the mom over there in the tankini  (can you believe that is even a word?). I know you see me. I strategically conceal my muffin top behind my black tankini praying my kids don’t accidentally lift it up and expose the whiter than white gummy tummy I’ve tried to hide. I gave the one-piece-disguised-as-a-tankinin a try. Imagine squeezing a sausage into a casing a tad too small. Yeah, that.

Honestly, it isn’t about the weight thing. That, I have control of. Or not, depending on how you look at it. But really, whether a size 4 or size 14, I think you look great. You and your tiny two pieces of material ;)

The thing that just gets me is the fact that you are walking around with an unmarked stomach! How on God’s green earth did you manage to grow a baby or two or three and walk away unscathed? Not fair, my friends. Not fair at all.

I’ve been branded.

My skin was never supposed to stretch. I’m serious.

My senior year in high school I was trying on a halter top with a friend. She asked if my cat had scratched me. What? No. Why? She pointed to my chest. I looked down and saw the shiny purple stripes.

After waiting 18 years…I had finally “developed.” I was bra worthy. Though barely pushing an A cup, I had stretch marks! What?! My skin was never meant to grow. I’m convinced.

So imagine an almost 8 pound butter ball expanding my stomach to freakish proportions. Exactly.

Those first stretch marks thought they were all sneaky. Creeping on the underside of my belly where I couldn’t see. Then bam! They made their presence known…loud & clear. But they didn’t just stop there, they kept on going, past the button, on top of the belly, until finally… mercy. They were gracious enough to stop below the jug line. (You know it’s bad when you OB lifts up your shirt at your check-up and says “whoa.”)

My stomach will never see the light of day again.

It’s not that I’m dying to wear a bikini, it’s just that it would be nice to have the choice. I’d still stick with my tankini though (but that’s another post for another day).

Oh, and the only thing that is comforting in all this, is that God was kind enough to give my best friend some memorable stretch marks too. Like all over her stomach. The only difference is that mine are straight up and down, and hers are more like a bulls eye, right around her belly button. So yeah, there’s that.

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6 Responses to My Beef with Moms in Bikinis


    I dont really get bikinis in general…

    What’s borderline worse than seeing a mama in a two piece (to me) is seeing 3 year olds in bikinis…really? At that age, they should be looking for their binkie or blankie…not their bikini, but Im a grandma at heart ;)

    I am pre-baby and still have never liked wearing bikinis. I totally sport the tank-ini with pride.

    You made me smile today. Love it friend!!!

  2. Wade Kwon says:

    You will never see me wear my bikini at the pool. Never.
    Wade Kwon recently posted..Our speakers come from across the United StatesMy Profile

  3. Haha I like that you are more angry that these women appear to be showing off their hot post-baby bods instead of being disgusted at the overweight people who wear bikinis because they think we want to see their loose ends or that they look good. Common courtesy goes a long way – whether its to hide the rolls or flaunt the lack there of!
    Mrs. Dr. Looze recently posted..Sneakers Sneak By The StilettosMy Profile

  4. Jane says:

    I don’t know how I escaped the stretch marks after four full term babies, but I did. But I still have the left over baby tummy that makes a bikini a bad choice. Motherhood really messes up your swim suit body.
    Jane recently posted..Medical Monday’s PanicMy Profile

  5. cyndy bush says:

    What really ticks me off is those moms who say “oh, you should’ve just used cocoa butter, that’s what I did and I have NONE!” No, you’re just LUCKY, hooker!
    Me, notsomuch.

    • Amber says:

      Yeah, there isn’t anything out there that works. It’s all a lie…a big money maker, I’m sure. You’re either one of the lucky ones or not. I’m not :/

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