Depression Sucks

This post has been mulling around in my head for about a month. I wanted to write about it, but then would chicken out.  But after reading this blog, this blog, this blog, and this blog, it was apparent it was time for me to write…time to get it off my chest.

Last month I went back to see my counselor/therapist {which do you call it? I never know}. I didn’t think I needed to go, but HJ suggested it and so I went just so I could say I did it. When I sat in the office, I think I even told my lady (counselor) something like, “I really don’t even know why I’m here. But HJ wanted me to come, so here I am. Honestly, he probably should be the one in here today.”

Yup. I said that – with a snooty apathetic attitude and all. Sheesh.

I hadn’t been in a while, so I filled her in on all the happenings over the last year. Once I did that, I really didn’t have anything else to say. She asked me questions about sleeping and eating and my (non-existent) social life. I answered them honestly, though I only thought she was being nice and trying to fill the hour. (yes, I really am that clueless.)

And then came the bomb I wasn’t expecting.

Well, Amber, it sounds like your depressed again, or um…still depressed.

 

I’m sorry, what?

I seriously was not expecting this. At all. How could I be depressed again, or maybe I never was really over it. (Do you ever get over it?)

I left the office and cried. Like super duper ugly cry. I couldn’t go home cause I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it together for my kids. And I didn’t want them to see me like this. I just sat in a parking lot and boo hoo-ed.

You’re probably thinking it really wasn’t that big of a deal. Or at least nothing to ugly cry about. But I wasn’t upset with the fact I was depressed again, it was the fact that I didn’t see it coming. I felt like a fool. I felt like a failure.

How did I not notice the signs? How did I not recognize the fact I was slipping away?

And that is the thing that I hate most.

Depression doesn’t just appear over night. It’s sneaky. And quiet. It slowly creeps in…without anyone ever noticing.

And it sucks. It sucks your energy. It sucks your happiness. It sucks the life right out of you and leaves just a shell of you in it’s place.

In the last few days, those blogs I mentioned above are pretty much the only ones I’ve read. And what were they all about? Depression.

Coincidence? I think not.

So here I am, trying my best to be real. Going topless. Because I know for a fact, someone is reading this right now… and you are nodding your head or trying to blink away the tears, because you know….this is you too. And that’s Okay. But know this more than anything else… you’re not the only one… you are not alone in this.

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28 Responses to Depression Sucks

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  2. SoCal Joy says:

    Yep: Life-long depression sucks!!! And, nothing changes that fact nor reduces the struggle to stay positive when all you do is hope not to wake-up in the morning.

  3. Hope says:

    Yes, depression sucks! I know all about it. It comes and goes and we need to fight it with everything we’ve got, and sometimes that is very little. I am so glad you wrote about it because now we can tell YOU, YOU are not alone. And even though I am new to your blog today… I know many have been following you and are loving you because of who you are and praying for you now. I am grateful for your husband, how courageous to send you back in, keeping an eye on you and doing what is best even though you went in there with you little attitude ;-) I trust you get past this, or find a way with it. Much love to you!!

    • Amber says:

      Thank you so much Hope. I truly appreciate your kind words and encouragement :)

    • Amber says:

      and what a great name to have…Hope!

      • Hope says:

        Yes, there is a gigantic story to my name… It wasn’t given to me at birth but after dealing with much darkness myself, through the court (and Queen), I was given a new name… I chose HOPE. I had to learn to have hope in hopeless times! It’s a long story in a nutshell.

        You have moved by now… how are you?
        Hope recently posted..CelebratingMy Profile

      • Hope says:

        Oh and come visit my blog some time… I can use you there :-) I am about to post something that is rather raw but totally real (called ‘just today’). I have had some friends question the post though because of my vulnerability in it. All I did was think about your post… it’s good to be that real. After all, there are others like us, in similar situations. I am not sure… still processing and editing the post.
        Hope recently posted..CelebratingMy Profile

  4. I am sending you virtual hugs right now. That has been my life for the last few years too, a series of highs and lows. It’s important that we talk about it more, though, support one another, so that we stop feeling like failures. We are not alone and we do need encouragement. I am so glad I stumbled on your blog today, if for no other reason, to reach out and say “hi”.
    Emily @ My Pajama Days recently posted..Doesn’t anyone deliver coffee?My Profile

  5. Leslie Howe says:

    I love your blog and your openness so much. I am sorry that you are in a dark place right now. And I admire your courage to share that and send out the message to others. I wish we all had a little voice that would remind us over and over again that we are not alone. No matter what we are going through, no matter what we are facing, we are not alone. Someone has been there. Someone is there now. I am sending light and love to you today! You are not alone!
    Leslie Howe recently posted..Give Me A Dose of Kindness; Hold the Criticism PleaseMy Profile

  6. victoria says:

    Hi Amber,

    I’m sad we didn’t see each other before you moved. I hope it’s going smoothly. I want you to know that I get how you feel. All of the moving that is required for a medical career can be depressing for the spouse. I’m not sure if that’s the only reason why you’re depressed, but I know it’s very hard. For me, making new friends over and over again is exhausting, isolating, and depressing. I was terribly depressed in early medical school. I never wanted to take medicine, but I did, and it changed my life. I haven’t taken anything for a few years now because counseling during residency helped me wean off of it, but I just want you to know that it really helped me. It “parted the clouds” for me. Just a note of encouragement that it’s okay to ask for a little help and for me, an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication was wonderful for a difficult season of my life. Lots of love. xo

    • Amber says:

      Yes, it’s part of the reason, but there are other things too. And I am a big fan of meds :) Thanks so much Victoria! We still will get together as I will be back up often!

  7. Anna says:

    I have been there. Earlier I realized that I had fallen into (another) deep depression, and I didn’t even realize it because I was still able to get up and work so I thought I was coping. Not! One huge ugly cry at-work meltdown later I was back at the counselor. Just keep getting up sister. Time after time.
    Anna recently posted..Bare Soul WinterMy Profile

  8. Amber says:

    Amber, I know this all too well… I don’t suffer from depression, but anxiety has been a LARGE part of my life for too long -actually as long as I can remember.

    Just when I think I’ve rid Anxiety from the guest list of my life, it has this way of showing back up in new ways with different emotions and feelings… There’s times I don’t hardly recognize its ugly self. Plus it’s sneaky (just like you talked about your depression) and comes on slowly so I let little bits and pieces go unnoticed… Then, BOOM I’m on the verge of panic for days on end and sleep disappears from my life completely.

    Thanks for going topless. You’re brave. And I’m proud to share our name.
    Amber recently posted..Get on with Getting OnMy Profile

    • Amber says:

      Oh, Anxiety is part of this too for me! Double dose, baby! Go big or go home, right? ;) I appreciate you sharing this….always nice to know we are alone in it. And you have an absolutely AWESOME name :)

  9. Cheryl says:

    And in spite of all the good in our lives, depression rears its ugly head and settles into our bones. My heart goes out to you. I’m listening.

  10. Cheryl says:

    And as hard as we try, in spite of all the good in our lives, depression rears its ugly head and settles in our bones. My heart goes out to you. I’m listening.

  11. Barb says:

    Oh Amber, I completely get how you feel! Ironically, just yesterday I was watching Oprah’s interview with David Letterman, and she tapped briefly on his experience with depression. His description hit the nail on the head perfectly! So perfectly, that I popped over to YouTube to see if I could find a clip of the interview…wanting to share it with others via my FB wall. I found the exact clip. 59 seconds that clearly, accurately and unpoetically defined what one feels when Depression shows up. But then I hesitated to post it. Although my intention to share DL’s words was with hopes of helping others. would I then be disclosing to my ‘friends’ that I, too, visit this dark place? Would it cause worry… Would they think differently of me? And so, I held back from posting the clip.

    After waking this morning and reading your blog post, your words hit home… And though we don’t know one another but virtually, we share a common ground. You helped me today! And when I post that clip in a few minutes so that others might see and hear how Mr. Letterman spoke to his experience, I do so knowing that I am not alone in this…and we should never be ashamed or make excuses to hide what we feel when Depression shows up, because if we do that, Depression wins. Talking about it is what helps to get that unwelcomed visitor out the door!!

    I wish you strength and peace. <3

    • Amber says:

      Oh I love this Barb! I’ll have to go find that clip. And you are so right… we should never be ashamed – that’s just another stupid lie. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words :)

  12. candice says:

    Have I told you lately that I love you?

  13. Carlee vaughn says:

    Your blogs always make my heart smile. I am in your boat, my friend. Thanks for reminding me I am not alone. Reading these words this morning will help give me the strength I need to row through the day. I am going to see my councelor/therapist for the first time this week. I was scared to do that and feel like a failure for needing to, but after your blog (and all the ones you shared) I think I can take some baby steps. Just wanted to say thanks.

    • Amber says:

      So glad this could help you (and all those other ones too!)… We are not alone. You are brave for seeking out someone to talk to and don’t for one minute think you are a failure! I believe that lie way too often. Hang in there, friend.

  14. Eryn says:

    Nope, we’re not alone. Even when the depression LIES and tells us we are, we’re not.

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