I used to be a good mom

I was a good mom, initially.

Ten years ago my sweet little girl made me what I always dreamed of becoming… a mom.

Twenty one months later, her sister joined us. I was the momma to two little girls and I loved it (usually). I played with them, prepared special crafts for them, had super fun creative birthday parties, went on walks, played in the cul-de-sac.

It was good.

And then somewhere along the way, I stopped. The dark cloud rolled in and I wasn’t so fun anymore. I didn’t put forth the effort like I used to.

I quit on my kids.

Blame it on residency sucking the happy out of me or more pregnancies, and then more kids, but the good mom I once was, disappeared. And I didn’t care.

My kids were left with remnants. We survived. But that’s all we did. Survive.

I knew deep down we needed more than just surviving.

It took a while, a long while, but last spring the good mom came back. I could see the difference in my children. I could feel the difference in me. It was amazing.

As great as it was, there was a part of me that was sad for all the years I had missed out on. I was torn up about the fact my kids had gone for so long with an apathetic mother. And I hate that for them.

So to be completely honest, the last few months have been hard. I have felt the good mom slipping away. But this time, I know with HJ gone, the kids only have me. There isn’t any back-up. No parent to come in and rescue us at the end of the day. No daddy busting through the door,  happy to see his kids, and giving them the hugs I couldn’t give them that day. And because I don’t have him around, I’ve tried so hard to keep it all together. To stay strong and be everything for our kids.

And now I’m just so tired. Even though I’ve said it has it’s perks, living apart is hard.

Together is better.

And together makes me a better mom.

It’s what they need.

That’s what they deserve.  A good and loving mother.

 

He is one his way home today for the weekend! We are surprising the kids by celebrating Christmas tomorrow (cause he’s on call Christmas Eve)! Am I ready at all? Nope. Oh well!

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10 Responses to I used to be a good mom

  1. brittany says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Your kids are lucky to have a mom who is working on her heart. That is worth so much more than being “perfect” every day.

  2. I have so been there, and then after a long time I realized I set the bar way too high for myself. So high, that I would never have any chance of reaching it. That was not fair to me or my kids. Be kind to yourself and take comfort in the fact that the dark cloud will probably not be something your kids remember.
    From A Doctor’s Wife recently posted..If There Was A Good Time This Would Be It!My Profile

    • Amber says:

      This is advice I could give someone else, but actually listening to it is a different story ;) Good point about setting the bar too high. Thanks!

  3. Julie McCoy says:

    It still sounds like you’re a good Mom to me…just having an off day. Nobody’s perfect. Just be the “best Mom” that you can be for today and worry about tomorrow when it comes. The positive is that you are still a Family and the gift is that your children have 2 Parents that love them and want to make special memories. Merry Christmas (on what ever day it has to be for your Family) The Children will only remember that you were all together on their “special Christmas.” Now that is being a “Good MOM.”

  4. Jillian @ Hi! It's Jilly says:

    Oh my goodness! I hear ya! I’ve had a very similar experience. It is hard when you’re doing everything while hubby’s in school & residency and just trying to survive!
    Jillian @ Hi! It’s Jilly recently posted..Weekend Blog Walk!My Profile

  5. Stephanie says:

    I can relate, only I’m w two children. We recently relocated our family because together was better. It’s hard being mommy without he emotional and immediate physical support from your spouse. Hang in there!

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