I was a good mom, initially.
Ten years ago my sweet little girl made me what I always dreamed of becoming… a mom.
Twenty one months later, her sister joined us. I was the momma to two little girls and I loved it (usually). I played with them, prepared special crafts for them, had super fun creative birthday parties, went on walks, played in the cul-de-sac.
It was good.
And then somewhere along the way, I stopped. The dark cloud rolled in and I wasn’t so fun anymore. I didn’t put forth the effort like I used to.
I quit on my kids.
Blame it on residency sucking the happy out of me or more pregnancies, and then more kids, but the good mom I once was, disappeared. And I didn’t care.
My kids were left with remnants. We survived. But that’s all we did. Survive.
I knew deep down we needed more than just surviving.
It took a while, a long while, but last spring the good mom came back. I could see the difference in my children. I could feel the difference in me. It was amazing.
As great as it was, there was a part of me that was sad for all the years I had missed out on. I was torn up about the fact my kids had gone for so long with an apathetic mother. And I hate that for them.
So to be completely honest, the last few months have been hard. I have felt the good mom slipping away. But this time, I know with HJ gone, the kids only have me. There isn’t any back-up. No parent to come in and rescue us at the end of the day. No daddy busting through the door, happy to see his kids, and giving them the hugs I couldn’t give them that day. And because I don’t have him around, I’ve tried so hard to keep it all together. To stay strong and be everything for our kids.
And now I’m just so tired. Even though I’ve said it has it’s perks, living apart is hard.
Together is better.
And together makes me a better mom.
It’s what they need.
That’s what they deserve. A good and loving mother.
He is one his way home today for the weekend! We are surprising the kids by celebrating Christmas tomorrow (cause he’s on call Christmas Eve)! Am I ready at all? Nope. Oh well!