I was going through my blog drafts and found this one I wrote in early November. I guess it’s kind of how I’ve been feeling lately too.
I like to think that I can “fake it” when I am with other people (in real life). But yesterday when I went out with my friend, she told me she was worried about me. Usually I would say, “I’m fine, don’t worry about me” and then crack a joke.
But yesterday I was too tired not to be honest and said, “yeah, you should be.” She knows me a lot better than I give her credit for. She could see through me. As much as that should be irritating to me, I am thankful.
Over the last month I’ve haven’t written here much. It’s not for a lack of ideas or content – I’ve got plenty of that in my head. I guess I wanted to keep my thoughts, emotions to myself instead of airing it out for the world to see.
Maybe it was good. Maybe I needed a month to just be quiet and think instead of write. And after thinking and thinking and thinking, here are a few things I realized about myself.
1) I am way too affected by true stories and sad realities. I have to be careful what I expose myself to… like really careful (books, movies, news)
2) Everyday is a conscious battle to get up and choose joy.
3) Insecurities can get the best of me (as great as the online/blogging community is, I find it magnifies many insecurities)
4) I allow fear to paralyze me.
5) Doubt does too.
6) I’m much more of a deeper thinker now. I hate it.
7) Angry that part of me has changed into what I am now. Sometimes I just want the old me back.
8) It’s Ok to accept help.
9) It’s OK to ask for it too.
10) Just like most things in life…. it’s easier said than done.