When there are no answers

I’m tired of being introduced and then immediately it’s followed by our living/working situation.

“This is Amber. And her husband is working 3 hours away during the week.”

“Oh no. That’s got to be so hard on you,” is usually the response.

I know their intentions are good, but every time it’s mentioned, I’m reminded of it again (as if I really ever forget). That I am alone, by myself with our four kids.

I always try to find the positive in it. I always have…usually.

I say how nice it is to have time to myself in the evenings, or how when he comes home he is so excited to be home and not distracted by work. I point out that as long as I am mentally prepared and not expecting him to walk through the door in the evening, I can do it.

I say “it’s only a year” like it’s no big deal.

But it’s only September and July feels so far away.

What am I supposed to say when people tell me “you’re amazing” “you’ve made so many sacrifices” “I could never do what you’re doing.”

So what? Does that get me a gold crown?

What can you tell me when everyone else is passing us by and we’re still trudging along on this journey?

Good job? Keep on going?

What do you tell me when I’m being stretched so thin I feel as though I may break?

Nothing. Because there are no answers. This is just the way it is.

It’s called life.

But I’m tired of just surviving. Of treading water to keep my head right above the surface. I’m tired of living in limbo. One foot here and the other foot ready to step into yet another new place we will call home.

I know I’m so hypocritical.

I talk about being present and enjoy what we have in front of us, but it doesn’t mean that I am successful at it every day. It’s what I aim for, but some days I just get beat down.

And yet, I know, this is the path we chose. This is our story.

I’m sure life lessons will be learned, but man, right now, it really stinks.

 

**

{I don’t know how or if I can turn off the comments section because I would really prefer that no one comment on this post. I am not writing to get a response or looking for any encouraging words. I am an emotional roller coaster and am writing to vent, to share, to be real , authentic, and vulnerable. And this is how I feel tonight. And this is my therapy. Thanks for listening reading, Amber}

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One Response to When there are no answers

  1. Kate Barton says:

    Sorry Buddy, but I am going to comment because I have been there. With 2 kids not 4 but also dealing with chronic illness. So in my book that equals 4 kids.

    I felt similarly to you. People would say the same things and on top of that they would say cut yourself some slack…that pissed me off. How I would think?!? The dishes still need to get done, the laundry needs to get done or there are no clothes to wear. Groceries, dinner, sick kids, homework…where do I cut the slack?

    I learned to smile and agree and then vent to my buddies that knew I just needed to vent. Then I got serious in looking at ways to simplify life for awhile.

    My survival modes were not green or totaly healthy, but they helped me, the CAREGIVER survive. We used a lot of paper plates…no dishes. We ate a lot of convenience foods. Find some easy go to recipes and go to them a lot. Kids don’t care too much. Take a hard look at what you can say no to. This was the hardest because I wanted to do everything. My kids have fond memories of those times, “Breakfast for Dinner” or “Picnic on the Floor Dinner” or movie night in mom’s bed. I also found a place I could take the laundry to in a pinch. They charged by the pound, so for 40-50 bucks it was done in one fell swoop.

    I love ya sister! Hang in there you can do it, I know you can. Do what you can, love yourself, be honest with the kids, involve them in helping out. And most importantly take a break every once in awhile!
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