What {not} to write in your kid’s baby book

I’m a horrible mom. None of my kids have baby books.

But hey, at least I’m fair.

I didn’t have the patience to sit down and fill in all those little sections like: Tell Me About Grandma, or Foods You Ate When You Were Pregnant With Me, or All About My Firsts and Favorites.

But, if I were to have a baby book, this is what I may or may not have written in the “Your Thoughts When You Saw Me For The First Time” section:

After a ridiculous amount of time in the hospital, dry heaving, and feeling like I had been hit by a train, the doctor removed the vacuum from your head and slid you onto my chest.

I looked down at you, my little miracle, my precious daughter, all slimy and covered in goo. You opened your eyes and looked right at me.

Your eyes…wide open…dark…glazed over. 

They looked so familiar.

Where had I seen them before? 

And then I remembered…

(…the scene from Men in Black when Will Smith delivers an squid-like baby in the back of a car!)

Oh. my. love.

I gave birth to an alien.


 C’mon! I’m not that horrible of a mother. I would have just written: 

Dearest Daughter, 

After hours of laboring, you were placed on my chest.

We looked at each other and it was love at first sight.

Love, Mommy


Update: That was 10 years ago. She doesn’t look like an alien anymore.




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