Friday should have been a happy day.
Hayden walked out of the hospital for the last time.
He finished his three year fellowship. Ten years of training under his belt. We only have one more year to go until all of his training is complete.
I should have been excited. For him. For us.
But I wasn’t.
I was filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment.
I was sad.
The reality that he would be leaving July 1st to work three hours away, finally hit. Hard.
In years past, when I faced challenging situations, rotations, or circumstances regarding his career, I brushed my fears aside, put on my big girl panties, convinced myself I could do it, and plowed through. And it worked…
…until last year.
After crashing and burning, I seem to have lost my big girl panties.
Some people will tell me I have every right to feel angry and bitter and will validate my feelings. Maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s OK to acknowledge those emotions.
But I don’t want to live there.
I don’t want to stay angry, resentful, bitter.
I have seen other wives go through this process and live in those places. I always told myself I never wanted to do that. But here I was last Friday ready to take up residence in that very lonely place.
Blaming him was a way to justify my angst. But that was a lie. He didn’t do this to me. It’s a decision we made together. It was the best one for our family. I do still believe that. For better or for worse, right? Right.
The funny thing is, after
talking crying to my friend about it, I don’t think I really want my big girl panties anymore. I don’t know if I need them. As long as I have an ear to listen, some arms to hug me, and a few understanding and encouraging words, I think I’m good to go.
Well, for now at least.
[UDATE 7/25/12: #iwantmypantiesback]