I Lost My Big Girl Panties

Friday should have been a happy day.

Hayden walked out of the hospital for the last time.

He finished his three year fellowship. Ten years of training under his belt. We only have one more year to go until  all of his training is complete.

I should have been excited. For him. For us.

But I wasn’t.

I was filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment.

I was sad.

The reality that he would be leaving July 1st to work three hours away, finally hit. Hard.

In years past, when I faced challenging situations, rotations, or circumstances regarding his career, I brushed my fears aside, put on my big girl panties, convinced myself I could do it, and plowed through. And it worked…

…until last year.

After crashing and burning, I seem to have lost my big girl panties.

Some people will tell me I have every right to feel angry and bitter and will validate my feelings. Maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s OK to acknowledge those emotions.

But I don’t want to live there.

I don’t want to stay angry, resentful, bitter.

I have seen other wives go through this process and live in those places. I always told myself I never wanted to do that. But here I was last Friday ready to take up residence in that very lonely place.

Blaming him was a way to justify my angst. But that was a lie. He didn’t do this to me. It’s a decision we made together. It was the best one for our family. I do still believe that. For better or for worse, right? Right.

The funny thing is, after talking crying to my friend about it, I don’t think I really want my big girl panties anymore. I don’t know if I need them.  As long as I have an ear to listen, some arms to hug me, and a few understanding and encouraging words, I think I’m good to go.

Well, for now at least.

***

{After Thought}  

Please check back with me in a few weeks. I may need you to buy me a new pair by then! You can get them here. Ooh, or this would work too. Size Medium. Thanks!

[UDATE 7/25/12: #iwantmypantiesback]

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6 Responses to I Lost My Big Girl Panties

  1. I like the last picture (in white) best. They’re all very pretty though. I suspect you can’t really go wrong here.

  2. Leslie Howe says:

    Sometimes in life I am able to wear my big girl panties and deal. Somedays, I can even pull them on myself without being told to!! But other days, I think I need big girl pull-ups!! ;o) Congrats on being able to go without them every now and then.
    Leslie Howe recently posted..Blood, Needles, Movies and FranceMy Profile

    • Amber says:

      I like that…pull-ups :) It’s been a pull-up kind of day today… OK, maybe this whole week. Thanks for swinging by Leslie.

  3. Julie D' says:

    Have to ask….do the panties you posted in your blog really exist and if so, where?
    Thanks!

    P.S. Hope you’re feeling better about your situation in your blog….my mother who passed 20 years ago this month, would say to me: This Too Shall Pass…..and through the years I’ve been able to see that not only do the happy moments last and pass but the tough ones do to….Time heals all wounds or is it-Time wounds all heels? Either way works, wouldn’t you agree? Sending you love and light….

    • Amber says:

      Yes! they do exist. They are on amazon. I thought I linked it up…guess not. Also, a friend just bought me a pair from Target!!! they are awesome!
      Sounds like your mama was a wise lady :) thanks for sharing that with me.

  4. Pingback: The Unconventional Doctor's Wife | #iwantmypantiesback {#mydayinhashtags} |

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